Identity Crisis

I was scanning through archived e-mails when I found this quote from my 17 year old self,

“I know who I’ll be, but not who I am.”

I said this in the same year after I went and returned from Africa for the first time.  I think I am running into this again, maybe it’s all my alone time here.   Or the fact that I don’t have any person I talk to deeply and regularly in this town.  Or it’s missing my family and friends.  Or it’s being immersed in an entirely different culture.  Don’t, don’t, don’t get me wrong-I love it here.  But I am not sure who the I is that is loving it here.

I feel like I have changed so much in this past year plus since college that once again I don’t know if I am growing into me or growing out of me.  Last time I felt this way I had to escape back to Arkansas to stay up late with great friends, hold a beautiful child of a dearest friend, and drink tea with the best of them.  That is not an option right now in any universe.

So let me tell you what I do know and you can fill in the gaps for me, maybe or pray for me.

I want to be passionate and find a match or a reciprocal to match with me.  And luckily right now, this is one thing I know about myself.  I am passionate.  I love things and people and places madly-right now I’ve got Kenya, the toilet paper dispenser here at work, and movies on my mind.  After returning home from Lesotho last night I immediately hopped in my car and drove myself to see The Dark Knight regardless of how exhausted I was or how many other things I needed to do.  (Thoughts on the movie might come in a later post.)  I was so excited to see the toilet paper dispenser today at work after weeks away, I tell you the design is brilliant!  And Kenya, I just can’t help thinking about Kenya.  But so far Kenya and movies and the toilet paper dispenser don’t love me back-they don’t match my level of emotions.  So I want people in my life and work in my hands that can be that balance-can love me fiercely too.

I want to lead.  I love to lead but I don’t want to be brash or pushy to get or stay in a leadership role.  I still dream about what I would do if I could be SGA president again, just one more year.  I adored being swim captain in high school and band president.  I want to be in leadership roles but find myself as the assistant or intern quite often-maybe slowly creeping my way up.  So I want to lead though I am not doing so now.

I want to be a doctor.

I want to be a wife and a mother.  Multiple times a day I think about how I want my life to look with my own family.  I want lots of kids-adopted or naturally my own.  I want to own animals like mules and chickens and sheep.  I have no skill for decorating but I know I don’t want clutter or dust-catchers or plain white walls.  I want to be well respected in my field and in my household.  I want to bring respect to my children and husband through my work and service and love. 

I want to always have good reading material.

I want to have a garden.

I want to truly know how to graciously give and receive hospitality.

I want to follow Christ without abandon.

I want to help others who find themselves outside the lines-to be a child advocate in the court system or to visit shut-ins or take in pregnant teenagers.

I want to be active-to go caving, hiking, swimming regularly.

Some of these things I long for and work towards, some I just long for, most I just look for.

And right now most of the things I know about myself are fleeting or short-term or working towards real knowledge.  But most of it doesn’t feel very stable right now.

So now the quote goes, “”I know who I want to be, but not who I am.”

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2 Responses to “Identity Crisis”

  1. What a blessed, lucky young woman you are! To know these things about yourself at your age. It took many of us much, much longer to find those things out about ourselves.

    You seem to be taking care of this in your life right now, because God has other things in mind and you will have to have already figured out these things in order to accomplish those things He has planned for you.

    Those are all good things to strive for and seek after, keeping God first in all things and being led by His plan for you. As I know you are. And do.

    Most of the women I know and have met, have things they wanted or were important to them that they never got to do, or accomplish, or do enough. So this is my advice to you: hang onto those things God has placed in your heart to seek after. They may change over time; that is OK. But know that you may not be able to do all those things.

    And that, I believe, fits into God’s plan for each one of us.

    (Toilet dispensers are highly underrated! Enjoy yours!)

  2. this inspired me to make a list of my own. thanks. Can I steal some of yours? 🙂

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