Do Not Be Easily Offended or Shocked…

*Status: I have condom lubricant on my fingertips, but no, I have not been having sex.  I have been attending a Channels of Hope training which is a motivational workshop for church/religious leaders about HIV & AIDS for the past two days and we learned how to properly apply condoms on our own fingers today.  I will not tell you any more about it until tomorrow once I have completed the entire workshop.

Instead I will write a light post about guacamole and tortilla chips and despair and ultimately happiness. 

Once upon a time in Africa, I bought some avocados in the hopes of making tasty guacamole and partaking with tortilla chips as we did once at Joanne’s sixteenth birthday.

But the avos (as they are called here) that I bought were not ripe.  So on remembering an old wives’ tale I put them in a paper bag in a cool dark dry place.  After a week they still weren’t ripe.  After a week and a half I sought out some avo farming friends who told me that I should wrap them in clothes.  Being too busy even to wrap a t-shirt around my avos I just let them go a few more days in the paper bag.  When…

Finally!  Two weeks later.  Let the chips and guacamole-ing commence!

Finally! Two weeks later. Let the chips and guacamole-ing commence!

 Now during this long wait I had already gone and picked up chips so I could be ready the minute the avos were ripe.  I struggled to find tortilla chips from the store but finally found something that looked and felt right.  They said maize (check) and baked not fried (healthy so check).  As you can see…

 

You can't see the chips through the bag but I bought them anyway.

You can

 NOT actually see the chips through the bag.  But after a squeeze test I went ahead and bought them.

Immediately after finding the avos were ripe and letting out a wild cry of joy (thankfully one the neighbor didn’t hear and come running at) I rushed to open the bag of invisible chips.  When I did, I saw THIS…

Yes THIS!!! Not tortilla chips!

Yes THIS!!! Not tortilla chips!

This was a travesty.  I let out a primal yell of terror and anger that was much louder than my earlier cry of joy (but again the neighbor didn’t come running in fear for my life-we must have nice thick walls here).  Not only were they not corn chips, they were cheese puffs which I usually only eat with three year olds I am babysitting or when I’m starving.

It was already 6:30 that night.  I thought I had approximately thirty minutes including travel time to get myself some tortilla chips or my life would be doomed.  I was desperate, I had waited so long for that guacamole and nothing was going to get in my way!  I frantically searched my mind for the best store to run to in search of corn chips.

I decided to dash off to the mall in search of tortilla chips only to arrive to find all the stores had closed early that night!  Argh again!

In a last chance effort I decided to run to a petrol station to try my luck.  In the end, all I found and all I had to make due with were personal sized bags of oddly flavored Doritos.

 

Weird Doritos
Weird Doritos
Which were only this small.
Which were only this small.

But they were loads better than those Cheese Puffs.

So they sufficed.  I made it through the night and had some fantastic guacamole with some oddly sized and even more oddly flavored little tortilla chips.
Just a few short days later I went back to the mall after doing some research and found the only brand of plain normally-sized tortilla chips probably in the entire country.  And then promptly made some more guacamole.  The chips were a bit thicker than the ones back in the states, but they more than sufficed compared to cheese puffs and weirdly flavored mini-Doritos.
So I lived happily and continue to do so even yet.
The End.
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2 Responses to “Do Not Be Easily Offended or Shocked…”

  1. woolworths carries tortilla chips…and tortillas…and salsa. you’ll pay a premium, but they do have them.

  2. ROTFL!!! They have those cheese puff thingies in Russia, too. People sell them alongside the road. Only they aren’t really very cheesy. And if you happen to be moving, they can double as packing material.

    Oh – I know that craving, especially overseas, when you just HAVE to have that thing you are craving. Oh, and I assume you washed your hands first, though you never actually said. 🙂

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